TLDR: I was working a hard, low-paying job I disliked, and I left. And it didn’t feel as liberating as I thought it would.
I’ve long thought about quitting from my current position. I’ve felt overworked, under-appreciated, and stagnant for the past two years as an employee at a small, “fast-paced” agency. I’ve resented my co-workers for their gossipy tendencies, and myself, for indulging in those same vices. I’ve fantasized about telling off my boss, and laying down my responsibilities, and moving on to better things. I’ve written down hypothetical resignation letters, and scathing Glassdoor reviews describing my exhaustion and my frustration and my condemnation for the way things are done. I’ve laid in bed until the early morning imagining leaving every night since the pandemic began. All I wanted was to leave, and to make my boss and my co-workers miss me.
So I applied to other jobs, and I put all the energy I have left into interviews. I studied and practiced and put myself out there at every opportunity I had. And eventually it paid off. It happened fast. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was offered a great position for double my current pay, doing challenging, rewarding work - this was last week.
I called my boss and told him I was leaving for something that paid more and was more aligned with my future goals - I thought would feel amazing, but in the moment, I just felt bad. Especially since his reaction was so withdrawn and downtrodden. He was sad to see me go, and he took it personally since he was the owner of the company. I think he thought less of me for having not told him ahead of time that I was unhappy with my position.
So now I’m living out my last weeks at this company. For one day, I felt on-top-of-the-world exuberant and excited. I was experiencing the satisfaction I had fantasized about for months, and I reveled in thinking about all the assignments I could let go or pass on to my co-workers. It was amazing and I could hardly sleep from the excitement... for one day.
Now that I’ve grown accustomed to leaving, it’s not as sweet as I had imagined it would be. My co-workers seemed to move on fast, and appeared unsurprised at my announcement. My boss became resentful, but I took no pleasure in his discontent. I’m still excited to move on to a new company, but now that I’ve sent my resignation letter, I feel a bit numb to the change. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to get from this, but I just want to write down how I’m feeling right now. An example of how achieving your goals can feel empty and meaningless. I’m not sure how else to feel.
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