A brutally intimate and honest request on helping me figure out my career and on being marketable. 1.5 years after graduation.

Edit: I should clarify, I take responsibility for the past year and a half. I'm just trying to look forward than worry so much about the past. I just feel really isolated in how I feel in real life and I need some tough love and advice. I haven't had anyone except one professor take the time to engage me over time about jobs and how they relate to my personal struggles.

Okay, I'm not going to lie I'm terrified to write this, I am running out of options and I have had 0 help from people in my life. I need guidance and I'm begging for any understanding from professionals that read this. I'm tired of acting "professional" in dealing with people, that will not solve the route of my issues. Mental issues are a big no-no in business and I'm tired of feeling like nobody care or understands my struggle. I can't even tell people half of it in real life.

I graduated in May of 2017 with a degree in Business Admin with concentrations in Accounting and Finance. I had a 3.69 GPA along with a 3.63 major GPA. I had not found an internship and the majority were too far away for me to afford to travel (I am in central NJ, not the best place to be stuck for work). I had had a few full time interview with companies such as JP Morgan. PwC, Eisner Amper, CohnReznick, etc. One of the conclusions I had drawn from my time after university was that I lacked guidance and many of my professors did not understand I came from a household that was blue collar and with two disabled siblings. I had alot of stress about being "normal" and my parents didn't even know my major or ask me about school.

I feel part of my problem was that my mother would yell for hours at night that I "need to get a job" or she would verbally abuse me, triggering a spiral of depression and anxiety. She is actually talking about me right now and i can hear it through the wall.

I also tried reaching out to family friends or business owners via family and when I ever tried to find a mentor to guide me a bit or help with organizing my applications I would never get a text back. I feel like I have 0 support net or understanding from anyone else in my life about my career. It makes me cry at night because I feel so hopeless. My college professors from my CPA credit courses, the CEO that's my dad's old friend who I opened up to about my issue, my parents... I feel I can't reach out to anyone.

When I graduated I gave myself the summer off and just worked a well paid barbacking position because I felt burned out from school and I wanted to start applying again in August. I ended up getting two FT interviews in December of that winter.

The day after Christmas I was in bed for an entire month with the flu and upper respiratory infection. It was the worst experience of my life.

The following March I was healthy again and had found a temp position paying $18/hour from an indian Pharmaceutical company last march, but I was fired from the position three days into training and the reason given was that I did not pay attention and I never took notes, both of which were not true. The staffing co were barely given a reason also and the person who was my handler told me he found it odd.

I spiraled and for depressed for two months and worked odd jobs to support myself. In the intermin I had signed up for three college classes to finish my 150.

August I had an interview with a university in NYC for a grant accountant position, I had made it to the final round and was of the last six applicants. The job payed 60K/year and was entry level. The recruiter liked me enough to speak with me for twenty minutes after the interview.

I felt discouraged but carried on and got a job at a Bewery in October to hold myself over. I was fired by the manager due to apparently not listening over stocking alcohol (i did not recall any of that happening) There was 0 warning and I had paid about $200 for licensing and materials to work there. I had heard terrible things from the brewery from ex employees there (We were the first wave to staff the restaurant)

I got depressed again and didn't apply for things for another month.

Flash forward to now and I'm trying again as this tax season is going on. I don't know what to do or where to start as I feel I'd be stigmatized for not having any professional work in a year and a half since graduating. I have had numerous financial setbacks that have held me back and I can't afford the CPA. I have been studying my old college books and notes.

I don't want to make this a pity party about myself but I'm out of money, patience, or time, I have 0 guidance and nobody understand my issues. I feel I can't compete where I don't fit the mold of a professional. I feel like bastards are going to look down at me because I struggled to find work. I feel I can't be honest about why it took me so long to get my affairs together. I feel like my ability to be an independent person has been neutered and i won't have a chance at a career. I'm scared and I have nobody to talk to. I want the be a success story about persevering the odds, pull myself up by the bootstraps but I don't know what to do.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

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