i left my last job in november 2019. Up until then id been pushing myself to bend over backwards and jump through hoops for my company and coworkers, like so many of us do. You dont take time to breathe, sometimes you forget to eat until youre home at 10pm and snuggling into bed exhausted, and suddenly remember the only thing you had that day was a cup of coffee. I hated my job, but i really cared for the people we took care of and my coworkers.
I took every shift a coworker needed me to cover. i was coerced into signing away my right to a break so i could work 10 hour shifts straight, day after day. I was a part time worker working full time hours so they didnt have to give me pto, or health insurance, or a raise. And when my mom had a stroke at 3am and i was the only person in her life to take care of her, no one could be there for me. No one cared, even though my boss was my moms friend. No one cared, even though my mom was doing half my coworkers hair for the better part of 2 years. No one cared when i walked into my next shift after being told id get a written warning because no one could cover me, sleepless and puffy eyed, fucking ruined at the thought that i could lose my mother. My boss's first words to me are:
"so when can your mom do my hair again?"
Sorry i didnt laugh with you. Must have been difficult to deal with someone who didnt find that a funny joke, after theyd just spent all night coming to terms with the fact their mother was paralyzed and likely unable to do anyones hair, ever again. But it's okay, i still came in for my shift.
But then i wasn't smiling enough. And then i overheard you laughing that if i was too depressed to come into work, then i just shouldnt come. So i stopped coming, gave you notice i wouldnt be there at my next shift because i quit, and even that was a problem you had to threaten me over thanksgiving for. I didnt apply for another job for almost 5 months because i was too afraid to. And then i got so depressed, so fucking sad that i wasnt just "too sad to work" i was too sad to live and i spent a long time in the hospital so i could try and get better. I still am terrified of going into my first day at this new job. I dont want to fall apart like that again, and while my mental health has always been fragile, i now know that working in places where im made to feel like a doll and not a person can make it shatter easier than anything.
It took so long to get this offer. I kept interviewing, kept applying, kept sending emails and kept getting promises for a call back. It finally got to the point where i said "fuck it" and applied for an office position, in a field i had no experience in but knew i could learn. During my interview i made it clear my loyalty wasnt free. I made it clear i wouldnt stay in a company that didnt value their employees, and i made it clear that i support my people, but i expect to be supported back. I knew i had literally no business cutting clear boundaries like that, and was afraid of coming across unprofessional and childish, but at this point i couldnt bear to schmooze my way through another cold faced interview for no reason. Pretending to be someone you arent is exhausting.
I was sure id blown it, and resigned myself to start the applying process again. But i woke up this morning, and i got the job offer. They gave me higher than my original requested wage, full time benefits, and i accepted and hung up and just started bawling. I really dont know what the point of this post is but just. Dont give up on yourself. Working, no matter what you do, can land you in so many circumstances where the people around you just want to tear you apart and see you fall. I let it get to me, but that isnt a mistake ill ever make again. Interview after interview i started doubting myself , if i was naiive for thinking you can ever get hired just by being yourself, and being honest about what youre looking for, but its not impossible. Its just really, really rare. Im just exhaustingly proud of myself for sticking to the promises i made when i went into recovery.
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