Im a 19 year old community college student and The way I see it, I have two options at this point, I could continue to go to college for one of the many white collar jobs that I have no interest in but could be potentially skilled at and move to a city and live a lifestyle that I have no interest in, or I could go to a trade school, do something I have no skill or interest in, maybe learn to be mediocre at it, and work in an area with a lifestyle that I actually can stand. To clarify, I have no desire to do anything, and after all the failed attempts to make myself feel better, I've just decided to go through life letting all the shit pile up till I eventually explode and kill myself or whatever. I've tried all the shit I can to cure this mindset, but I think I'm actually being realistic since existence is meaningless. As far as the job thing goes, I hate the city, and I hate city people and how fake they are. I cant pretend to be a normal, socially acceptable employee. I'm eccentric and sometimes I can be very withdrawn. I love the country because it's where I've grown up. Thing is, I'm a sensitive person and I dont get along with your average blue collar type either. They would eat me alive because of how weird I am. I am also incompetent at pretty much anything physical and have a low pain tolerance. I don't have any clue what kind of job I could actually enjoy. I've taken career tests of all sorts and get answers like artist, screenwriter, musician. Yeah right lol... so basically I'm just lazy, but so chronically lazy that no matter how hard I try I still just suck at everything. Although, I'm good at my classes because I have a good memory, but I get very bored and depressed with repetitive tasks. So I have a solid 3.8 GPA but no direction. I hate working with computers, and I have a middle school understanding of math. So the STEM field is out. I was always drawn to psychology English and history, but those are useless oversaturated fields that I wouldnt be able to get hired in. I'm willing to stay in college as long as it takes as long as the payoff is good. Taking and passing classes is the only job I feel like I'll ever be good at, just keep me away from math. I'm so worried that the rest of my life is just going to be as miserable as the first 19 years of it have been. Theres no goal I can aim myself towards that makes me feel any better. I've felt like this for a few years now and before I just had a different brand of depression with no self awareness.
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