I graduated college this year and started a full time job at a marketing agency a few months after. I grew up poor, dirt poor. I didn't know what I wanted, so I thought, better to get a real job and have dental insurance for once in my life. I am very proud of myself. This company ticks all the boxes for what a good company should be: Wise and transparent management, flexibility and work-from-home days, good pay (and I've already received one raise), and lots of opportunity for career growth.
But I feel like I'm just not cut out for it. I may honestly just be lazy. I'm definitely burnt out. It's certainly not my passion. I know people work harder than I do for less and don't cry in frustration in the car ride home as often as my sorry ass.
My main struggles have been how much intense, focused work is required of me. After my training period I rarely talk to anyone. My workload isn't excessive, it's just that I have exactly enough time to do everything if I work at 100% efficiency for 8 hours and there are no interruptions, and nothing I do requires any edits or corrections. But, I write, draft reports, send outlines. There are corrections. There are things I forget, still. And that's just not how my brain works, I guess. Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought. It seems like my manager is a damn robot in her level of efficiency and accuracy. It seems doable, but its just not for me.
I do cold pitching via email. For 16 hours a week - IF all goes well. Aside from being the dullest task ever, It isn't an exact science. It's a new pitch every week so there's no way to have zero margin of error. But I'm a perfectionist and I never miss my goals and have taken home work every weekend for, oh... 17 weeks. But all day, every day, I'm pushing to get those out in time, write better, stay on top of my tasks, emails, and doing it perfect the first time because there's no time for a second time. With every hour that's lost for this or that reason, every follow-up reminder my manager sends about a microtask -- I feel it going into my weekend bucket. And I feel it my chest, because I want to be better but can't. And it sucks. And every small, stupid error I make that my boss has to tell me to fix, or step in the process I forget, I feel like such a failure. And I don't like the work enough for it to be worth it!
I just don't want to do this anymore. And It's not the company's fault, it's all mine.
But I've been here less than half a year. I can't quit. I respect the owners and management a lot and it would make me guilty to leave them after all they've invested in me so much. Plus, it wouldn't look good on my resume.
Honestly, I just want to have one of those jobs where you can browse reddit for a few hours and still get your work done for the day. I'm not a passionate marketer. I don't give a flip about driving impressions, really. Who would? I would love a job where I got to write more, but not all the time. I'd love to be able to combine my love of writing and drawing. But I'm not confident enough to go freelance yet. And I haven't even used this new dental insurance.
I'm probably not gonna quit. I don't know. Just keep an eye out for a better passing opportunity I can jump to.
After this, I have about 2,000 words due in the morning.
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