I work in a cubicle, and there is this girl that sits directly behind me. I’m going to call her Sara. I’m bad at judging distance, but I would say she’s about 10 feet behind me. If she turns her head to the side, she can see into my cube and presumably see what I am doing. She’s pretty and young, but older than me. I would guess she’s 30ish, and I’m 23.
I am strongly introverted and have serious social anxiety, but I highly prioritize how other people perceive me over being 100% comfortable. I am terrified of being judged or appearing less than perfect. Now, it seems Sara and I have this much in common. The key difference is she doesn’t pretend. She is willfully antisocial. I have two stories to illustrate this.
Last month, our company bought the whole building Chipotle. I work for a big healthcare/insurance company in their corporate headquarters. There are A LOT of people in this building. So, this was kind of a big deal and it was a very nice thing for the company to do. Like, they definitely spent multiple of my paychecks on all this Chipotle. Anyway, Sara and I have one other cube neighbor who we see and interact with daily. I’m going to call her Simone. If there’s a meeting, the three of us go down together, etc... So, Simone says she’s going to get her food and I’m like, “Cool I’ll come with!” I say this in my usual workplace tone, I.e. pretending I’m an extrovert. Sara literally says that she’s not coming because she doesn’t feel like interacting with people. … I, uh, okay then. Like, that’s cool or whatever, but it’s was jarring that you didn’t come up with an excuse and were explicitly anti-social.
Yesterday, we had a whole team meeting. I have been working here since August and this was the first face-to-face meeting for the whole team since I started, usually we just dial into Skype. I trickled into the meeting with Sara and Simone after most of the others had found their seats. I had to sit right next to my boss at the head of the table, which made me uncomfortable, but I did it and I put on my happy and content face. Sara literally sits in the corner. Not at the conference table. In a chair, in the corner. Our boss was like, “come over here, join the group!”, just trying to be pleasant and inclusive. Sara literally says, “I want to sit in the corner where no one can see me. … Uhhh, okay Sara. That’s weird and its double weird that you said that out loud to everyone at this meeting.
My point is that she’s anti-social and doesn’t care that she’s anti-social. It’s one thing to not be a people-person or to prefer to be alone, but I have never had to work with someone like her.
She is always miserable. I have never heard her say one positive thing. She hates her job, she hates this company, she doesn’t think the management is good, she has issues with how other people on the team work, she has issues with how different teams communicate, she hates the way her performance is measured, and I could go on and on.
Her job is much more difficult than my job. In fact, I hardly work at all. I must be at my desk for 8 hours each day, but the maximum I am actually working is 2 hours a day. It’s usually much less than that. The work I do is not very challenging either. My job is the much much simpler version of her job. She has important deadlines, a very heavy workload, immense pressure to not make a single error, and her job requires an insane attention to detail.
I have no real reason to feel that Sara resents me for my job being so much easier and for the little amount of work I end up doing each day. I also have no real reason to believe that she actually sees what I am doing, that she cares to turn her head and acknowledge what I am up to. However, the way Sara makes me feel ruins my day. I am ecstatic when she is working from home or out of office. I am on edge all day with her here. I am constantly worried that she can see what I am doing. Every one of my actions is informed by how Sara would perceive it. I don’t do anything without thinking about what it would look like to her. I eat lunch on a bench outside because I am worried the smell of my food would bother her. If the weather does not permit that, then sometimes I don’t eat lunch. The way I feel having her sitting behind me genuinely makes me hate my job and it ruins my days. I dread coming to work knowing that I will feel this way all day. When I know she is going to be out of office, it is much easier to get up in the morning.
When she’s not here, I mean... sure, I don’t particularly like sitting at a desk with nothing to do for 6+ hours a day, but its bearable. I have ways to entertain myself and I am content just being in my own head. But when she is here, I am afraid to pick up my phone for any reason. I think that if I’m on my phone too much then she is going to tattle on me to our boss. I don’t have a reason to think that, but I do. I am worried that she is taking note of what I do and do not do, and judges me. When she’s not here I browse Reddit (not too much, just a little here and there in case my boss walks by), listen to podcasts, work on these professional development courses my company provides so I can get off this project ASAP. I might take care of some general tasks (order things I need online, schedule appointments, look up information, etc.) and I journal daily. When she is here, I hardly do the things I want and need to do. When I muster up the courage to do these things, I am preoccupied with Sara and if she’s looking at me.
It should be noted that I don’t actually work for this healthcare/insurance company. I work for a consulting firm and this company is out client. I am simply on a project. I am not necessarily an outsider here at the client site, but people know that I am just a consultant, and not a true member of this organization. I feel this gives me less leverage, like I have less of a right to make any requests or demands. The good thing is that I have set myself up for a transfer in February.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t think I should, and frankly will not even consider asking for a different work station. I don’t have a good reason and I am worried it will make me look bratty.
I’ve tried to rationalize my way through this, but I haven’t made significant progress. I’ve brought it up in therapy, but all my therapist wants to do is work on my underlying anxiety problems.
So, I am reaching out to Reddit. Does anyone have any tips, big or small, that can help me get through my days easier?
TLDR: I feel, with no legitimate basis, that my cubicle neighbors watches what I do and judges me for it. I haven’t been able to rationalize through it and it’s making me hate my job.
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