After 5 months, I hate my contracting job. Today manager explains role will be posted as full time and encourages me to apply - would you?

There are lots of details, and mostly I am looking for responses other than “start applying.” I took a 1 year contract at the beginning of April thinking it was my dream job. After 5 months of being fully remote, my manager telling me repeatedly that the role is more senior than what I am delivering, I almost quit until my boyfriend simplified it and told me to wait until they fire me.

Well, that was a month ago. We will be fully remote for the rest of the year, which sure has some perks, but I thrive in collaborative meetings, and dearly miss having coworkers and the option to casually bounce ideas off someone while walking to lunch. I have been miserable and drained and largely unsupported as a remote contractor, and theres just been a lot of stressful tears.

Today I come back from 3 days off, the first real break I have taken, and my manager kindly informs me the role will no longer exist once they hire a full time person. She encourages me to apply if I want the job (I don’t), and simultaneously reminds me how many jobs there are right now like mine (I work mainly in communications).

I am just conflicted. First: this is a bit shameful because I don’t measure up. Typically if a contractor is informed that the role will become full time, it is so they can hire the contractor. However, there was no real “vibe” of that being the case. I have been unable to impress my manager this whole time, and this is really an opportunity to get someone she knows can do the work they way she would. Should I apply anyway just to say I did? Second: scared of the job search world. It sounds horrific. And I will still have to work remotely, which turns out is SO hard to onboard fully remote. It took over 3 months for me to get a bit acclimated and I still don’t know most people. Third: I don’t want to tell my partner because he will obsessively start asking me every day how the job hunt is going, and I can’t handle it for like 6 months. I don’t want to lie or be deceitful at all. But the way he will handle this is going to just add to the burden. Fourth: I don’t even want a job right now. I am envious of the unemployed. I know it sucks... but not having to deal with another shitty manager for the foreseeable future who’s expectations I cannot meet truly sounds like mental and emotional health. Fifth: this is my opportunity to find out what I am made of, I could go after a new career and start my own business blah blah... but no people? Alone? The vaccuum of talking to myself is daunting.

So have at it. Advice or support or mental re-framing. I’m here for it. Please just don’t ask how the job search is going.

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