So, I'm writing this to see how I feel about expressing my feelings. I used to have a lot of ambition and regularly set goals for myself, and I was also a massive procrastinator. Nowadays, after my bachelor's, I find I'm just content being comfortable living with my parents and looking at reddit and browsing youtube for the next great and wholesome let's play playlist to watch. I've been looking for a job for six months, but haven't found a use for my Math degree yet. My trouble may be that I'm trying to find a job within 25 miles of my parent's house so I don't have to spend 50-60% of my income on rent.
I'm afraid of finding a job that stresses me out and robs me of this comfort. There's lots of horror stories out there, especially for how people feel about low income jobs. I'm also taking a course (sometimes two) online a semester in computer science in preparation for a Master's in computer science. I still procrastinate, and I tell myself that I need to study my courses more, study past interests like genetics and study future interests like machine learning regularly. A couple months ago, I read a book and used it to build a neural network that can read handwritten digits from scratch in python. I tell myself I need to start committing myself to helping a large open source project so I can be onboarded as a software engineer easier.
All of this would be like six or seven hours of work/studying a day, and I honestly find trouble convincing myself to do even a single hour despite being unemployed. However, when I decide to work on my programming assignments, after occasionally cussing them out over the perceived difficulty, I can always do a couple hours of work on them a day. I don't feel depressed and my psychologist doesn't think I'm depressed either. I don't know if I'm in a local minima and will adjust to a lifestyle studying those 6-7 hours a day after a few months and be content. Maybe I just need to start seeing success.
At the moment, I tell myself that I need to take a gamble and work those 6-7 hours a day to improve myself. I have a LinkedIn account, have my resume on Indeed, have a job coach who knows an accountant very well and is recommending me as an office assistant, and work with Vocational Rehabilitation (who has looked at my resume and mock interviewed me twice and said I'm doing great. I'm Austistic Spectrum with a Schedule A letter.) I have had six interviews so far and have a couple 1-day shadowing oportunities lined up in December. I tell myself that after those multiple months of studying I can go back to relaxing and that the suffering I went through would become a faint memory just like my Bachelor's degree already has. I tell myself that I need to study daily even after getting a job. I tell myself that I can always kill myself later.
Honestly, I don't have that feeling of guilt of hurting my family or the fear of killing myself. There's a loaded gun in the house, and I know how to get it. I can easily imagine myself just grabbing it, putting it to my head and pulling the trigger on a whim. I've kinda proven I'm capable of that when I jumped in front of a moving car last year (but didn't get hit) after a period of extreme stress. Beforehand, I put 911 on speed dial, wore a bike helmet and put shoe laces in my pockets to act as tourniquets in case I survived. Of course, I got lots of help from medical professionals afterward.
Yet, I haven't grabbed that gun. I just tell myself that I need to study more, then apathetically do nothing for the rest of the week except apply for jobs semi-reguarly, rest my head on my Dad's lap three hours every night, and live in comfort while my parents pay the bills. I use a canned cover letter for most job applications instead of tailoring it to each position because I find that "easy". That needs to change, but starting is so hard. Sadly, my dad is 84 and mom is 80 (I'm 25M), so that lifestyle might get turned on it's head soon and I wouldn't be prepared for the ruggedness of "outside life". My psychologist is currently working me through cognitive behavioral therapy, and I procrastinate on that homework until a few days before the appointment too.
What do I do next? I feel like I need to significantly change my life due to society's standards. I ultimately think I want a job working on something related to artificial intelligence, but that's way beyond my current means. I'm just trying to find something that isn't sales and am considering working part time at Publix.
I just want a job that I can hold for one to two years before I can pursue my Master's degree part time while also working part time at night.
Maybe I can just start by working four hours on something constructive every Monday? I'd dread it, but would have the rest of the week to forget about it. How do I prevent my apathy from getting me fired if I get a job soon?
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