I'm 22 have only had two other jobs besides working with my father, have learned a lot from him business wise but hard to think for myself as I can only thing for him. - My backstory is posted below.
I have never been praised or acknowledged by my father like he praises my older siblings and compares me to them, I only am given gratitude when i am making money. Business, work and constant endless favors or tasks is the relationship I have with my father, he's very successful and self employed, we do not talk about me, my interests, girls, friends anything of my personal life he hasn't ever known and hasn't ever asked. I have never felt a true emotional connection with my father that I have always longed for and even pouring my heart to him about how our relationship is and how I want to make it better, I want to see him cry, I want to see some emotion out of him besides anger, but he's cold and holds its against me playing the victim as it is my fault. He talks to my sisters in ways we dont talk and being around him gives me constant all day anxiety as if i'm about to be scolded for doing something wrong since he only praises me when i'm making money. I don't do anything for myself that im growing in besides working out, that is what I do in my free time besides playing video games at night from 9-11 or watching podcasts if I have time or short moments with friends, the rest is all working for my dad.
I feel like i could never be a normal kid, taking naps in the day, wanting to watch a movie and just relax at home and do nothing for a day, these are all the things i couldn't do as the moment he walks in the door i get bad anxiety jump up and do something different, if i'm not doing something productive he starts the abuse and it has made me become shameful of myself, i have very low-self esteem and always asking for permission on everything i do feeling constantly guilty because instead of having fun i should be " making money" This has taken a toll on my relationships with friends as they always ask me to go places and even though my dad would say yes to me going, he guilt trips me when i come back of how i have all this work to do and it never ends which has made me in turn become introverted by staying in instead of going out. I'm surrounded by all day anxiety towards him and have social anxiety because i restrict myself going out and already have anxiety as it is. Friends invited me places but i make excuses sadly ( a part of me tells me not to do it. )
Ever since finding out he was a narcissist a year ago it has made things a lot worse on my relationship with him and my mental health as im aware of how this routine and loophole i've been in has affected me mentally by reading on it, I realized ive been chasing his dream while being taught to forget mine. I give more effort and have a better work ethic than anyone he could ever hire. I'm smart, but I feel like im becoming a wasted talent. I make little money from my father but save what I can I have a little over $30,000 saved and want to use this money to get to a better mindset but leaving him is just as hard, and im scared, im lost, i'm scared of failing. I know he will always hold it against me. Money is not my ultimate fascination like my father, i don't know what it is but right now I want to feel free, I want to know myself, I want to be happy.
What do I do?
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